My Sip, Roll of the Dice, was released today. Each release is exciting and a little stomach churning too because you never know how well the story will be received. And as this is my first published contemporary story, it is even more nerve wracking than usual. And of course, Sod’s Law strikes! The day I need my website updating with the new info, I cannot get the connection between the FTP server and my site! Still can’t get that – no damned idea why it won’t work! – but I had help to upload it via someone else’s computer so at least it is now up! Just not what I needed today *sigh*.
But determined it will not dim my day!!
Now for info on my new release from Torquere Press: Roll of the Dice
When Kyle finally gets the nerve up to tell Matt how he feels, Matt reacts badly, freaking out. A lot. Dejected, Kyle heads for the closest bar, where he meets a hot guy who comes on to him, which does a lot for his sagging ego. Just when things are about to get interesting, though, Matt shows up with a declaration of his own. Will it be the hot stranger or the man he loves?
I’d shed a few tears of angry frustration when I first arrived home yesterday evening. I spent a couple of hours trying to decide what had gone wrong, but deep down I knew it wasn’t my problem, it was Matt’s. I finally fell asleep, but it was troubled by dreams and I awoke very early this morning still feeling confused and upset.
I couldn’t face staying in bed any longer and got up. I took a quick shower and then went to the kitchen for some coffee. I made myself some toast, but couldn’t eat it. I felt sick to my stomach.
I took my coffee through to the living room and sat on the sofa. I had to make a decision. The reason I’d plucked up the courage to put my cards on the table with Matt was that I nursed my desire long enough, it was time to go after what I wanted. I didn’t want to be on my own any longer, and why should I have to be when I was in love and I was pretty sure it was returned.
I’d been hurt once, seemed a lifetime ago now, but for a long time my work had been enough. As time passed I came to realize that I wanted more. I wanted someone special to come home to and relax with, to share my life, my heart and my soul with. I wanted Matt! Damn!
Now I knew that couldn’t be. I closed my eyes and let the sigh escape. I should’ve known better, life rarely gave you what you wanted.
I was angry with myself for being weak, for needing someone to lean on. I’d always been something of a loner, never been much of a mixer, but gradually I’d realized just how sterile my life was, how much I had to give. Finally, I had realized the truth, I needed to be needed. Was that really a weakness?
I stood up and went to stare in the mirror, looking at my reflection, looking into my eyes. I had to make a choice. It wasn’t a choice I wanted but that was no longer in my hands. I wasn’t going to share my life with Matt, and, if I didn’t want to be a lonely, bitter old man, I needed to move on and find someone else. If I couldn’t have the one person I wanted then I would just have to settle for second-best.
I stared at myself, trying to see what others might see. I guessed I was reasonably good looking, I had overheard enough to know some found me attractive, of course that was women and I was interested in men. Had thought of myself as bi at one time, but I no longer found women attractive. Accepting I was in love with Matt had soured women for me. I wanted a guy. I wanted the freedom that sex with another man gave me. It was so much easier to really let go with a man and I wanted, needed a physical relationship.
God, what would it have been like to be loved by Matt?
I’d had so many fantasies about making love with Matt, and that was always what it was when I thought about him. It was never just about the sex, never about fucking, not with Matt. I had to be strong, forget about him because that was never going to happen. I sighed and leaned my head on the back of the sofa; I couldn’t allow the tears to fall.
I got more coffee and checked the time. I would have to leave in another hour to go to work. I would have to face Matt. I so wasn’t ready for that.
I couldn’t think about this any longer. I’d go to work; maybe I could decide then what to do.
Available now from Torquere Press:
Roll of the Dice
The Wrong Path
Men in Uniform II
A Million Pinpricks